Genuinely Awkward

Laundry is a hassle. You need to wear clothes outside so the police man doesn’t stop you and give you a hard time. Worse yet, there’s a social expectation that your clothes shouldn’t smell like an old sewer filled with curdled yoghurt and the intestines of goats with extremely poor diets. In order to keep your beloved friends and strangers safe from puking due to your rancid husk wandering the streets, you need clean clothing.

And so laundry was invented, probably sometime in the 1600’s. Don’t fact check me. But like the invention of the car created global warming and the invention of cheeseburgers created the American obesity epidemic, the invention of laundry created clean laundry. This usually hazardous byproduct consumes millions of collective man hours to fold and store.

Fortunately, I am here today to tell you about a method to keep your laundry relatively clean while also not wasting your life folding it and putting it on coat racks or something. This method is “Laundry Piles.”

Simply put, wear clothing until it is considered unsanitary to keep wearing it. Then, remove it from your corpulent frame and chuck it on the floor. Eventually, your reservoir of clean clothes will run low. As necessary, pick up some of the dirty laundry pile and chuck it into a washer. Place it on the “warm jeans” setting or whatever setting you want, dry it, and gather it up into a clean laundry ball.

Now this is when people usually screw up. They set the clean laundry somewhere and sit down for three hours folding it into squares. Worse yet, you can’t even effectively wear these squares. Then you have to put the squares into a box and take them out again later and make it stop being a square to wear it again.

Just take the ball of clean laundry and throw it on the ground. Even if you don’t clean the ground, all filth will be conveniently absorbed by the lowest layer of clothing, which you can just launder again once you reach the bottom of the pile. Throughout the week, just grab whatever clothing you want off the pile and throw it on! Once the clothes you’re wearing are disgusting again because you decided to use your stomach as a plate while eating ravioli or something, just remove them and throw them back into the dirty laundry pile.

Rinse and repeat. On the warm jeans setting.

All you have to do is make sure the two piles are far enough away to be distinct. If you forget which is which, just take something off the top of one and give it a quick sniff. That’ll probably tip you off.

You can even place slightly less horrible clothing on the edge of the dirty laundry pile to reuse in emergencies, since the edge of the pile is scientifically proven to only have 15% of odor from the rest of the pile.

Not only are laundry piles easy to use and set up, they have a multitude of uses:

Beds for pets.

Forts for children.

Emergency kindling.

Hiding places from home invaders.

Places to store your magical artifacts so dark wizards can’t steal them.

So stop folding your laundry today! You have better things to do and now you have a little more time to do them.